It Starts at Home

A good friend of mine said, “Blog!” So, here we go. I’m not sure how we got from March to June without an update. It’s been a whirling merry-go-round of home schooling, coffee, playing, clapping, Zoom chats, reading together, time outs, baking bread, laughter, singing, living room dance parties, news briefings, tears, projects, daily walks, scooters, scavenger hunts, den building, shopping wearing masks, watching SGN, not sleeping, going back to sleep and wearing stretchy comfy clothes around the clock. We’ve had virtual birthdays and virtual date nights. Sadly, we’ve had one virtual memorial. We are tired.

As things slowly open up again, we look for normality. This week our bubble world changes. Our oldest child returns to school on Thursdays and Fridays. It will be a good change for her and everyone. I’m pleased we still have three days of home schooling together. We will miss her. The virus is still a threat, but I have faith that the school’s staff are doing all they can to minimise infection.

We made our own pizzas.

Though physically we have kept our distance, in some ways we are closer to people than ever. How could we not let others into our hearts with so much sickness and loss around us? And there is another virus which has plagued our society for too many years. We have watched the brutality and racism play out before us in the news. Often I feel helpless. What can I do? How can I show love and respect for my fellow humans in pain and fear and righteous anger? So I pray. I examine myself and ask God to search my heart, bring to light my own prejudices and bias. I try to educate myself.

In outrage, I share stories. I raise awareness amongst my friends and family. I realise my greatest power for change starts right here in my home. I teach my children to love and include people. I teach them that we are all made in God’s image. We are all worthy of love, respect, equal rights and freedom. No one should have to live in fear for their lives for the colour of their skin. I ask for wisdom. I vote and stand up for justice as much as possible. I draw near to God and as His word says, He draws near to me. (James 4:8)

If you are feeling overwhelmed or powerless in these difficult and uncertain times, draw near to the Source. Draw near to the light that is Jesus.

Day 1 of Social Distancing or God I Need Patience and a lot of Glitter Glue

Hello. It is the end of our first day of social distancing. It was so sunny and beautiful outside. Springtime is here and unaware of our collective plight. Yesterday was Ivy’s last day of school and really our last day of normal. Albert our youngest keeps asking when we are going to meet somebody or when he will have play group. We’ve talked about germs and sickness and really tried to explain the out break on a 2 and 4 year old level. I had somewhat of a plan for today: painting rainbows, cartoons, and making Rice Krispie treats. (The treats were a disaster as I had to leave the stove to break up a fight between the kids.) But I am getting ahead of myself.

Thursday I stocked up on paints and art supplies as I want to keep Ivy and Albert busy during this unusual amount of time at home. Within hours of bringing in my shopping, most of the glitter glue was gone! Ivy made good bye notes for a few of her school friends and Albert followed along creating art! I thought to myself that this is going to be a long haul. 

Today started so beautifully with breakfast and giggles and colourful paint brushes (all water washable.) We played outside in the sun with Daddy in a park. We also helped our Church Sunday Club by dropping off flowers on doorsteps. And some church goers were home and said hello at a distance. (Tomorrow is Mother’s Day in England.) The kids loved making deliveries. Naps were hard to achieve and the afternoon/early evening were wrought with meltdowns and bickering. So we did yoga stretches while I cooked an easy nugget and pasta with frozen veggies for their dinner. And breathe.

Tonight, I had my own mini meltdown as I looked at Ivy’s class page for home learning. The reality of all that has been happening over the past few weeks came crashing down on me. I have to teach my child and come up with lessons and entertain the younger child. I can’t get back to America if my parents or family members get sick or need me. We have to stay in and avoid contact with you know everyone! Not to mention people are so sick and dying. Many are overworked while others have lost their jobs.  Look, God I need You big time!!

”For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

I share all this to say we are in this together all in the same place. How oddly unifying?! And Christ is with us too. God is here extending His mighty hand to us. Lord, I grab ahold of You. Please help! Help us to pray for each other and lift each other up.

Today held many high highs and low lows. It is the first of many days like this one.  While I have no idea where to begin as Mommy/Teacher, I will keep looking up and focusing on the highs. All things considered, we are very blessed.

I won’t bore anyone with our day by day hour by hour home dramas! But I will try to blog some encouragement from time to time. Please comment or leave a prayer request. Good night and God bless.

 

Mommy Guilt

So far, big chunks of my parenting time involves sitting in the dark trying to get my little lamb to sleep. Even as I write this post, she is behind me snoring. (Yet I cannot turn my brain off.) Before Ivy, I said that I would never let our little one sleep in our bed. Our room was going to be our sacred love space. Ha! Then you bring home this tiny, red, adorable, eating, pooping creature and your heart swells. You want this little person with you always. And you want her to thrive. It’s amazing to be needed this much. It’s scary. Did I mention that it is scary? I’m responsible for her! That is where the guilt comes in, wild sleepless mommy guilt. Am I doing this right? Will I scar her for life? Will she still be sleeping with us when she is 10? Please God, protect her from my mistakes. Because I will make a lot of them and for that reason I feel bad.

I feel the pang of guilt for ridiculous things sometimes. Things like taking a shower or a few minutes to myself just don’t feel the same. I’m always thinking of my daughter. I feel guilty for running off to take my Zumba class. I know it’s irrational. I know I need to recharge my batteries. I know Ivy needs bonding time with her dad. It just feels strange to leave her. I feel guilty because I have changed. I used to be so on top of everything. Now I am forgetful. I still think I can do it all, but I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t go out or volunteer or do some of the things you used to do. I don’t always say no when I should. I hate letting people down, another source of guilt. Add in lack of sleep and I easily spread myself too thin. Then I get grumpy. Then I feel bad… I’m sure you see where this is going. Is there no end to mommy guilt?

Even before my daughter was born I struggled with guilt. I would feel bad about mistakes or saying the wrong thing for days. If I unintentionally hurt someone forget about it! I was and still can be wrecked over it. In balance, these feelings aren’t all bad.  Healthy guilt keeps my conscience in check. Guilt on overload keeps me bogged down. I pray. I ask God to help me know the difference between conviction and condemnation. Old mishaps come back to haunt and I feel the pangs of guilt yet again. This is a yoke of bondage that I was not meant to carry. “For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:16 (ESV) I love grace. It is God’s unmerited favor. Grace lifts my burden of guilt. I know that I am forgiven. Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice of love has set me free. In the end, I only want the absolute best for my baby girl. All I can do is offer up my efforts and ask God to bless them.

Do you suffer from “the guilt”? Can any mamas out there relate? Please click on the comment button above and share. Thank you.

Release

Every once in a while a nothingness will take over me; a void.

I drown in the oceans of time passed by. The weight of life under-lived presses down on me. I struggle to breathe. I feel the heat of choices made. Regret. Reconsider. Time is a funny thing. Relived in vivid color in the mind. You can’t go back to what no longer exists. It’s a knot in the stomach. Words better left unsaid. Why did I do that? Why did I go?  If I dive into these moments it will cripple me. I peek over the edge, then lean back again.

I should have is the most terrifying phrase invented.

It echoes around my brain like a taunt, a rant.  A wish for moments I let pass. One small step can change a life course; send you orbiting in an unknown direction.  I close my eyes and open them again. I get out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I turn on the light. I feel a little better. The darkness makes it all cave in on me. I sit on the edge of the tub. I turn on the fan to cool my face. Cleansing tears roll down; a release.

Maybe I did all I could, what I thought best.

I wrap these words around me. I close my eyes to pray. I recount my heartache to the One who knows me. I relive the hurt to lay it at His feet. I ask for grace for things long forgiven. He reminds to receive. The love floods in, His precious love for me. I accept the gift of today. The promise of more moments to cherish, more chances to give. I rise to rest and claim my peace.