Happy Pancake Day

Let the pancake frying begin!

I feel really full of pancakes right now. As Ivy and Albert drift off to sleep, my heart feels full as well. This is truly a special time. As we begin the Lent season, I try to focus on what these six weeks are all about. Sacrifice. Preparation. Contemplation. And teaching my children about Jesus. I have decided to give up desserts this year. It’s a broad category including cakes, sweets, and my tired mummy stash of dark chocolate for daily emergencies! It will be a good practice in self control but a small gesture when compared to the ultimate sacrifice Christ made for us. I came across this verse the other day as I was reading. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) It made me think about the spiritual discipline that I need. Am I harbouring negative thoughts? Or regrets that may be holding me back? What’s in my heart that I need to give up? I hope to dive into these issues and more with the Lord over the next 40 days. Will you join me? Are you observing Lent this year? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. And excuse me as I go eat my last bit of chocolate for the next six weeks!

Embrace the Grace

Art work by Ivy Grace

My original title for this piece was “Embrace the Chaos,” but I think this is the wrong idea. Last week, chaos came in the form of noses bleeds, a flushed iPhone, and one bag with wallet left in a hospital restroom! I am trying to model stability and set a good example for my little humans. Not only is it exhausting but I often feel like I am missing the mark. I don’t know where my idea that family life is supposed to run smoothly comes from, but it’s there in the back of my mind, laughing at me. 

Then in my morning verses I find, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8) Something inside me says, “Ahhh.” I feel a little more relaxed. While I know that I am not sufficient in all things myself, God gives me the grace to do what I need to do. His grace, if I accept it, will keep me calm. My bag, by the way, was safely returned to us and my phone seems to be working. (Praise God!)

Although the kids will bonk heads and get nose bleeds (Albert is okay, bless him) and I will continue to lose things, we will make it through the day. Life will continue to throw some chaos my way, but I don’t have to let it wreck me. I can stand strong in the grace of God. It is very reassuring to this mama to know that the weight of my role doesn’t rest solely on my shoulders.

 So, if your day turns unexpectedly or your having a rough time, try to embrace the grace. That is my prayer today. Dear Lord, please help me to embrace your loving grace. Amen.

 

Moments

What were you up to at 7 am this morning? Me? I was playing with this little beauty above. She was excited after breakfast to run about in her footy pajamas with her sunglasses on. I love her. I love her creativity. I love these stolen moments. These are the little moments in life that really mean everything. My plan is to make sure I don’t miss it. I don’t want my agenda to override the joy of Ivy growing up. Our time together is already moving so fast. I will be responsible. I will take care of our home which I know is a huge blessing. But sometimes the floor will just have to stay dusty a little longer while I chase my little doodle bee around the living room.

Traveling Mercies, Traveling Confession

A month ago, my daughter Ivy and I traveled from the UK to Kentucky to pay respects to my great-grandmother who passed away. It was truly a blessing to be with family. The trip required long plane journeys and one exhausted mama carrying a then 11 month old around in her carrier. Strap about 20 pounds to yourself plus suitcases and walk around your neighborhood a few times. Traveling with a little one is challenging. It is the reality of living thousands of miles away from home and building a new home abroad.

Ivy, surprisingly, is a pro at travel. We went to Florida in March for my sister’s birthday and to introduce her to my side of the family. Ivy loved it. She loves looking at people. Of course, she was also 6 months on our first flight; little, portable, and happy to curl up on mommy and sleep. This second trip to America at 11 months was a little trickier. I really wanted to just let her crawl around. It was cramped. Luckily, she didn’t seem to mind being on my lap and slept most of the flights. It must be the sound of the engines. When Ivy was awake, she was thrilled to practice her new skill: waving hello. I had to tell a few passengers that she will wave for hours and they don’t have to keep waving back. She made people smile.

It has almost become an urban legend how difficult traveling is with a baby or toddler. You expect to be publicly shamed or flogged by other passengers. We’ve all either heard of or experienced that flight ruined with a screaming inconsolable baby. I was extremely blessed with a content little one.  I made sure to nurse her or give her a drink as we took off or landed and that really does help with the equilibrium in her ears. The air pressure affects some babies.  I was also truly blessed with quite a few helping hands on this last journey.  The other passengers were so kind. I have to admit that I was surprised. I had help lifting my suitcases to go in the overhead. Someone helped to carry an extra case I had to bring with me on my flight back to the UK to the airport gate shuttle. While waiting at the gate, a perfect stranger allowed me to use his cell phone so I could call my mom and get flight information back to my husband. These sound like small simple things, but in the moment they felt like miracles to me.

Now here is the confession part. I didn’t deserve any of the help I received.  Pre-baby, I did a lot of traveling. I was the younger single person on the plane who rolled her eyes when I saw a couple with kids inch their way down the tiny plane aisle. I cringed when seated near a baby. I just wanted to sleep or read or watch a film on a peaceful flight. I thought to myself why can’t she just keep her baby quiet. I had no idea what being a parent was like or that sometimes no matter what you do the baby won’t settle. I once asked a flight attendant to find me another seat as I was on the end of a long row of kids whose parents were happily snuggled across the aisle with their earphones placed firmly on their heads on a long flight. I did not want to be a free babysitter. The attendant said, “One day you will have kids.” I remember saying, “But not today!” I was never outwardly mean to anyone flying with kids, but I wasn’t overly helpful either. Inwardly, I judged parents. It’s easy to judge people when you have no idea what someone is going through.

My question is why was I so blessed? I didn’t sow very good seeds for flying with my little one. I reaped kindnesses I was unwilling to give in the past. It’s a blazing example of God’s goodness and my need. Since asking Jesus into my life, I have received so many gifts that I do not deserve or could ever earn. Because of Him, I am not the same person that I used to be. I am a work in progress. I am thankful that God’s grace doesn’t depend on my performance. “And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.” (John 1:16)

I am thankful that Ivy is such a good traveler. I look forward to many more flights with my family in future. I look forward to opportunities to help someone else maybe struggling with a little one.

 

Balancing Act

We are going away tomorrow. It will be our first family vacation. (British translation: holiday.) We are spending one day at Stonehenge then heading to the south coast in Devon to stay in a camper by the beach. (British translation: caravan.) I’m excited to see how our little Ivy will react to the ocean. I’m excited for it to be just the three of us with time to play and relax. I need a break from our routine. It’s a good routine. I just need to shake things up a bit. It has been 10 days since my last post. Time to write is hard for me to find. Where does time go? It’s a stupid question, but one I always ask. I have recently officially left my job to be a full-time mom, part-time Avon lady, and house wife. I feel very blessed to be able to leave my work. I am grateful to my husband. That being said, I have never been busier. I simply don’t know what I did before. Time is the great commodity. You can have all the money in the world, but if you don’t have (or take) the time to live, who cares? What good is it?

I feel pressure to manage my time better. I have spent this week getting my chores and errands done before leaving town. The house needed a good clean. It’s always nice to come home to a neat place when you have been away. It really dawned on me that I am “the Mom” as I rushed around to get things packed and ready. It feels like it’s all down to me to make things happen. My husband helps for sure, but he has been really busy with work. (Thank God!) I feel over whelmed at times. This morning as I felt the panic of my to do list, I stopped and prayed. It was like a weight was lifted. I still had a lot to do but my attitude changed. I also played and laughed with Ivy. She is sleeping soundly at the moment. I should be taking advantage and closing my eyes. I’m too wound up to sleep. Plus it is in these little pockets of time that I get to create (or vent.)  I love every minute with my sweet baby even when she is getting on my nerves. However, time to recharge is vital to me. My writing is important to me though I haven’t behaved as if it is. I need to carve out some creative time. I need to prioritize. Perhaps this diary-like rant is one big cry out to God for help. (Lord, Jesus, please here my prayer. Please help me to put you first and everything else will fall into place. Thank you. Amen.)

My goal and dream this week is to enjoy my husband and daughter but to also find some time to write. I really want Ivy to grow up watching us following our dreams and pursuing our passions. It’s time to work on my book again and finish it. Or at least see what story is there. If any. (Big sigh.) I will somewhat unplug while away. I wish you all well out there in the blogosphere. I shall return with fresh posts and energy I hope. I must close by asking you, dear readers. How do you cope? Do you manage your time well? Please click on the comment button above and spill your guts. I need all the advice I can get.

 

From Joy to Joyce

As new parents, my husband and I don’t make it out to the movies that often. I love films. I really wanted to see last year’s Joy with Jennifer Lawrence. I think she is a talented actress and the premise of the film seemed interesting. So I went to our local DVD rental store. Yes, we still have one. No, we don’t Netflix or have movie channels. It felt very 1996 to rent a movie. It was fun. My husband had to work away and my baby girl politely slept for two straight hours. Mommy win! I enjoyed some movie time.

Joy is not a “chick flick.” This film was so much more than I thought it would be. The main character is a woman with an idea, a vision, and a need to provide for her family. Director and writer David O. Russell was inspired by the life of Joy Mangano, the American inventor of the miracle mop. He takes some pretty big creative licenses but the essence of her story is there. The tone of this film was surprising but it brought humor and theatricality to the piece. I found the story refreshing and inspiring. It isn’t often that a female is the lead in a film and the focus isn’t on her romantic life. In Joy, Jennifer Lawrence’s character is bright and determined. Her childhood dreams of inventing are at first buried by life and providing for her children. I especially appreciate how this film portrayed the many pressures and responsibilities that a working mother must balance. It is through Joy’s role  of touchstone for her family that she has a brilliant idea and opportunity to enter the business world.

I must confess in the back of my mind as I watched, I kept waiting for the lead character Joy to find love. Bradley Cooper’s character came a long and I thought oh they will get together. But than I realized this is genuinely a film about her journey to achieve her dream as an inventor. It was empowering to watch. It also revealed a bit of Hollywood programming in my expectations. I found it interesting how Joy and her former husband’s relationship unfolded. They co-parent their children and support each other as friends. By the end of the film, I felt energized and inspired to create. I also wanted to purchase a miracle mop because it is an awesome household invention. Joy Mangano was unique as a credible business woman in 1990. She got me thinking about strong inventive women that have inspired me along the way.

I am blessed with strong inspiring women within my family and friends. However, this film brought to mind an inspiring lady that I have never met, Joyce Meyer.  She is an author, preacher, teacher, mom, wife, and president of Joyce Meyer Ministries including outreach ministry Hand of Hope. Whenever I feel a bit homesick, I watch Joyce’s television program, Enjoying Everyday Life. Like Joy Mangano, Joyce Meyer was a bit ahead of her time. She felt led to preach and teach the word of God in a time when women just weren’t expected to do such a thing. I appreciate her practical Spirit-filled messages because Joyce has lived it. Her testimony is tremendous. With God’s help, she has overcome so much. (If you would like more information on her message and life check out her website http://www.joycemeyer.org.) Her life would make for an interesting film. The theme would be God’s amazing love and redeeming power. He has taken Joyce’s pain and turned it into promise; a message of hope for other people dealing with their own heart ache and trials. To quote Joyce herself, “Jesus is the equalizer.” Whether you are male, female, no matter your race, culture, age, nationality, we are all the same in Christ.  I feel blessed as a woman.  I hope that one day I can inspire my daughter to follow her dreams and rely on the Lord above to guide her.

So, dear reader, who inspires you? Is there a woman in your life that is extraordinary? Please click on the comment button above and share. Thank you.

 

Mommy Guilt

So far, big chunks of my parenting time involves sitting in the dark trying to get my little lamb to sleep. Even as I write this post, she is behind me snoring. (Yet I cannot turn my brain off.) Before Ivy, I said that I would never let our little one sleep in our bed. Our room was going to be our sacred love space. Ha! Then you bring home this tiny, red, adorable, eating, pooping creature and your heart swells. You want this little person with you always. And you want her to thrive. It’s amazing to be needed this much. It’s scary. Did I mention that it is scary? I’m responsible for her! That is where the guilt comes in, wild sleepless mommy guilt. Am I doing this right? Will I scar her for life? Will she still be sleeping with us when she is 10? Please God, protect her from my mistakes. Because I will make a lot of them and for that reason I feel bad.

I feel the pang of guilt for ridiculous things sometimes. Things like taking a shower or a few minutes to myself just don’t feel the same. I’m always thinking of my daughter. I feel guilty for running off to take my Zumba class. I know it’s irrational. I know I need to recharge my batteries. I know Ivy needs bonding time with her dad. It just feels strange to leave her. I feel guilty because I have changed. I used to be so on top of everything. Now I am forgetful. I still think I can do it all, but I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t go out or volunteer or do some of the things you used to do. I don’t always say no when I should. I hate letting people down, another source of guilt. Add in lack of sleep and I easily spread myself too thin. Then I get grumpy. Then I feel bad… I’m sure you see where this is going. Is there no end to mommy guilt?

Even before my daughter was born I struggled with guilt. I would feel bad about mistakes or saying the wrong thing for days. If I unintentionally hurt someone forget about it! I was and still can be wrecked over it. In balance, these feelings aren’t all bad.  Healthy guilt keeps my conscience in check. Guilt on overload keeps me bogged down. I pray. I ask God to help me know the difference between conviction and condemnation. Old mishaps come back to haunt and I feel the pangs of guilt yet again. This is a yoke of bondage that I was not meant to carry. “For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:16 (ESV) I love grace. It is God’s unmerited favor. Grace lifts my burden of guilt. I know that I am forgiven. Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice of love has set me free. In the end, I only want the absolute best for my baby girl. All I can do is offer up my efforts and ask God to bless them.

Do you suffer from “the guilt”? Can any mamas out there relate? Please click on the comment button above and share. Thank you.

Magic Spit and Other Motherhood Truths

I like to think that I am still myself since becoming a mother; myself with enhancements. Instincts kick in when all else fails. Necessity breeds new skills. My whole being has become attuned with this new little person. For instance, I can tell a pain cry from a hunger cry from a scared cry from an I-just-want-you-to-look-at me-cry.  I can down a whole bottle of water in less than a minute. (Nursing makes you thirsty.) I can clean my daughter’s face with a bit of spit and my thumb. This is a reflex by the way if you don’t have a wet wipe on hand. I can sleep sitting up. I can function on four hours of broken sleep. I can multitask almost any chore while nursing Ivy especially with my handy baby carrier or sling. I can entertain my little one while going to the bathroom. (Sorry folks. Motherhood isn’t always polite.) I can handle all of the bodily functions of my baby without being sick or gagging. (Okay, I gagged once, but that was a really bad diaper in the early days.) Those who know my squeamish former self will be impressed.

Self care is still important, but the aim has changed. I care less about the size of my jeans and more about longevity.  Her health and well-being depends on mine and my husband’s. Our aches and pains take a backseat as her needs are naturally more important. I can let a full fifteen minutes pass by just watching her breath and stretch and smile in her sleep. (The noises thrill me. Babies make the best noises.) I can spot a missing sock like an expert marksman. I can catch a thrown sippy cup with quick reflex. I can recite silly songs and nursery rhymes on demand from some long forgotten place in my mind. I make funny sounds and foolish faces just to get Ivy to giggle. I am the court jester, singer, teacher, nurse, cook and coach to name a few. Though I have lost some abilities in motherhood (like remembering what my husband said five minutes ago) what I have gained is worth so much more.

I’m no super human. At times it feels like I need to be. I am so grateful to have my husband. Watching him be a dad is another level of joy. My heart has grown. The absolute pleasure and pain that comes with being a parent is indescribable. I want so much for her to be well and happy. I realize more clearly how one moment or one mistake can change life completely. I pray for help, guidance, and protection throughout the day. I ask God to make me the mother I need to be for this little one. Whatever I can or can’t do as a parent, my strength comes from Him. I hold Ivy close and know that the love I feel is otherworldly. I hold her in my arms and think this is how God sees each one of us; His child so dearly cared for. Even with all the love I feel for Ivy, it pales in comparison to the love God has for us.

Mommas, parents, caregivers, have I left anything out? Click on the comment button above and please, share your experiences.

Breakfast with Ivy Grace

Release

Every once in a while a nothingness will take over me; a void.

I drown in the oceans of time passed by. The weight of life under-lived presses down on me. I struggle to breathe. I feel the heat of choices made. Regret. Reconsider. Time is a funny thing. Relived in vivid color in the mind. You can’t go back to what no longer exists. It’s a knot in the stomach. Words better left unsaid. Why did I do that? Why did I go?  If I dive into these moments it will cripple me. I peek over the edge, then lean back again.

I should have is the most terrifying phrase invented.

It echoes around my brain like a taunt, a rant.  A wish for moments I let pass. One small step can change a life course; send you orbiting in an unknown direction.  I close my eyes and open them again. I get out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I turn on the light. I feel a little better. The darkness makes it all cave in on me. I sit on the edge of the tub. I turn on the fan to cool my face. Cleansing tears roll down; a release.

Maybe I did all I could, what I thought best.

I wrap these words around me. I close my eyes to pray. I recount my heartache to the One who knows me. I relive the hurt to lay it at His feet. I ask for grace for things long forgiven. He reminds to receive. The love floods in, His precious love for me. I accept the gift of today. The promise of more moments to cherish, more chances to give. I rise to rest and claim my peace.

Book Lover

Ivy Grace and Little Miss Giggles by Roger Hargreaves

You are never too young to start reading. (That’s my girl!) I love books. I can’t imagine my life without them. Can you? Even if you have gone to the dark side and purchased a Kindle, it isn’t really dark since you are experiencing an adventure of the mind. I love that you can have your own interpretation of an author’s world. The reader and writer are co-creators. It is one of humanity’s oldest collaborations: storyteller and audience. We have an inherent need to tell and take in stories from the mundane to the fantastic. It drives our souls to be heard and share experiences; to examine ourselves through the filter of a tale.

Books have shaped my life and view of the world. Reading expands the world around me introducing diverse ideas, new places, and unknown societies. If I really love a book, I will re-read it. You gain so much more on the second visit. It’s like meeting an old friend for coffee. I’ve read all of Jane Austen’s works more than once. And I’ve re-visited the Harry Potter books an embarrassing amount of times. I do love a Dickens. Who doesn’t? It is no wonder I wound up living in England. I admire so many authors that I would struggle to name just one favorite book. Perhaps my next post will be an index of great reads. One day I would like to add my own book to this list. I have no delusions that it will be great. I can only hope that I can write something readable.  As you already know “there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9) I can only hope to add the filter of a unique perspective to the universal experience.

We readers are drawn to books because words are powerful. After all life on earth began when the Creator said, “…’Let there be light’ and there was light.” (Genesis 1:3) The spoken word becomes even more powerful if written and rehearsed. We influence the very outcome of our own lives by how we think and speak about ourselves. It is part of our design. Communication with one another is equally as important. We have the power to build each other up or take each other down. ” The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” (Proverbs 18:21) Those consequences can be an encouraged friend, a happy spouse, or the courage to complete a task. On the flip side you can wreak havoc in your relationships or stop yourself from meeting a goal with one dismissive word. We have the power to choose. Likewise, the information we take in will influence our focus. Books, films, shows, websites, texts, articles consumed often direct our thoughts. As I get older (hoping to be a grown up any day now) I choose my reading material more carefully. This is due partially to limited precious time. (See photo above.) But also because I am more aware of where I want my mind to go. I want the worlds I visit while reading to be inspiring and uplifting.

In closing, I ask you, do you have a favorite book or many favorite books? Which books do you hope the children in your life will one day read? Please click on the comment button above and share your list with me, a fellow avid reader.