Embrace the Grace

Art work by Ivy Grace

My original title for this piece was “Embrace the Chaos,” but I think this is the wrong idea. Last week, chaos came in the form of noses bleeds, a flushed iPhone, and one bag with wallet left in a hospital restroom! I am trying to model stability and set a good example for my little humans. Not only is it exhausting but I often feel like I am missing the mark. I don’t know where my idea that family life is supposed to run smoothly comes from, but it’s there in the back of my mind, laughing at me. 

Then in my morning verses I find, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8) Something inside me says, “Ahhh.” I feel a little more relaxed. While I know that I am not sufficient in all things myself, God gives me the grace to do what I need to do. His grace, if I accept it, will keep me calm. My bag, by the way, was safely returned to us and my phone seems to be working. (Praise God!)

Although the kids will bonk heads and get nose bleeds (Albert is okay, bless him) and I will continue to lose things, we will make it through the day. Life will continue to throw some chaos my way, but I don’t have to let it wreck me. I can stand strong in the grace of God. It is very reassuring to this mama to know that the weight of my role doesn’t rest solely on my shoulders.

 So, if your day turns unexpectedly or your having a rough time, try to embrace the grace. That is my prayer today. Dear Lord, please help me to embrace your loving grace. Amen.

 

Happy 99th Birthday

Happy Birthday, Mamaw Bentley! Today would have been your 99th birthday. It’s written in my calendar. I was remembering today when I came to visit you when you were still living on your own in Kentucky by myself. You made a whole sheet cake just for me. We laughed and ate a piece with ice cream even though it was late. I have been thinking today what a privilege it was for my sister, brother, and me to be so close to our great grandmother, to have all the time we shared together. I miss you. I wish I had paid closer attention. I wish I had your recipe for chicken and dumplings. I can see you making them in your kitchen. I can remember you chopping up cabbage to make your slaw. I can hear your voice as if we are talking on the phone. I hope you enjoy your first birthday in heaven. I know you are with Papaw and Aunt Addie and many others. I just want to say thanks a million for everything.

Mamaw Allie Bentley in her chair at Mom’s house.

Mommy Guilt

So far, big chunks of my parenting time involves sitting in the dark trying to get my little lamb to sleep. Even as I write this post, she is behind me snoring. (Yet I cannot turn my brain off.) Before Ivy, I said that I would never let our little one sleep in our bed. Our room was going to be our sacred love space. Ha! Then you bring home this tiny, red, adorable, eating, pooping creature and your heart swells. You want this little person with you always. And you want her to thrive. It’s amazing to be needed this much. It’s scary. Did I mention that it is scary? I’m responsible for her! That is where the guilt comes in, wild sleepless mommy guilt. Am I doing this right? Will I scar her for life? Will she still be sleeping with us when she is 10? Please God, protect her from my mistakes. Because I will make a lot of them and for that reason I feel bad.

I feel the pang of guilt for ridiculous things sometimes. Things like taking a shower or a few minutes to myself just don’t feel the same. I’m always thinking of my daughter. I feel guilty for running off to take my Zumba class. I know it’s irrational. I know I need to recharge my batteries. I know Ivy needs bonding time with her dad. It just feels strange to leave her. I feel guilty because I have changed. I used to be so on top of everything. Now I am forgetful. I still think I can do it all, but I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t go out or volunteer or do some of the things you used to do. I don’t always say no when I should. I hate letting people down, another source of guilt. Add in lack of sleep and I easily spread myself too thin. Then I get grumpy. Then I feel bad… I’m sure you see where this is going. Is there no end to mommy guilt?

Even before my daughter was born I struggled with guilt. I would feel bad about mistakes or saying the wrong thing for days. If I unintentionally hurt someone forget about it! I was and still can be wrecked over it. In balance, these feelings aren’t all bad.  Healthy guilt keeps my conscience in check. Guilt on overload keeps me bogged down. I pray. I ask God to help me know the difference between conviction and condemnation. Old mishaps come back to haunt and I feel the pangs of guilt yet again. This is a yoke of bondage that I was not meant to carry. “For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:16 (ESV) I love grace. It is God’s unmerited favor. Grace lifts my burden of guilt. I know that I am forgiven. Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice of love has set me free. In the end, I only want the absolute best for my baby girl. All I can do is offer up my efforts and ask God to bless them.

Do you suffer from “the guilt”? Can any mamas out there relate? Please click on the comment button above and share. Thank you.

Release

Every once in a while a nothingness will take over me; a void.

I drown in the oceans of time passed by. The weight of life under-lived presses down on me. I struggle to breathe. I feel the heat of choices made. Regret. Reconsider. Time is a funny thing. Relived in vivid color in the mind. You can’t go back to what no longer exists. It’s a knot in the stomach. Words better left unsaid. Why did I do that? Why did I go?  If I dive into these moments it will cripple me. I peek over the edge, then lean back again.

I should have is the most terrifying phrase invented.

It echoes around my brain like a taunt, a rant.  A wish for moments I let pass. One small step can change a life course; send you orbiting in an unknown direction.  I close my eyes and open them again. I get out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I turn on the light. I feel a little better. The darkness makes it all cave in on me. I sit on the edge of the tub. I turn on the fan to cool my face. Cleansing tears roll down; a release.

Maybe I did all I could, what I thought best.

I wrap these words around me. I close my eyes to pray. I recount my heartache to the One who knows me. I relive the hurt to lay it at His feet. I ask for grace for things long forgiven. He reminds to receive. The love floods in, His precious love for me. I accept the gift of today. The promise of more moments to cherish, more chances to give. I rise to rest and claim my peace.