Peace, Books, and Other Stuff

It feels good to come back to my blog. Between the lock down at the start of this year, homeschooling, putting children back into school, and re-settling into extra activities, time to myself to write has been scarce. The winter lock down was far more difficult for me this time. We have had family issues and loss. Despite the struggles, the time away has been oddly fruitful. My heart went into my first calling which is being a mother. I have poured my energy into my kids and I don’t regret it one bit. They are growing so fast and trying new things. I love watching them explore the world around them. They are beginning to hone out their own personalities and interests. I am more than eager to nurture them. However, as they grow up, I also want to continue to grow as a person. I started this blog to hang onto a piece of myself, to have an outlet, and to write. I have always been a writer. The time feels right to finally go for it. It’s never too late to fulfill a dream. So, I move forward prayerfully as dream meets ministry.

In October I started writing a book. I can’t take credit for the idea. I feel like God has placed this subject on my heart. The book is about mothers in the Bible and how their stories can inspire us today. I also aim to show how much God values women, carers and mothers. Parenting is a calling and ministry. I am still in the first draft stage. I have a lot of work to do. Watch this space for more updates! I will be calling on my tribe for help as well. I will need readers, honest opinions, and a lot of prayer. It is scary yet exciting. I hope this is a first of many books to come. The thought that encourages me is that I only need to be willing because God is able!

Please follow the purpose God has put on your heart! Now is the time to start. Step out in faith and go for it! I know that if I don’t write this book, I won’t have peace. I believe we must follow the peace that God gives us. In Luke chapter 10, Jesus sent out 72 believers into surrounding villages to minister to people. In verses 5-11, Jesus instructs them to stay with households that accepted their peace. This was to be their ministry base. (Joyce Meyer article in the Amplified Bible Luke 10) If they were not received with peace, then the followers of Jesus were to “shake the dust of that town off their feet” and move on. The message we can draw from this is that we must pursue the peace that Jesus offers us. From a peaceful place, we can minister to others. Also, if you are unsure about what God wants you to do, pray about it. If you feel peaceful about the project, you are probably on point. If you have no peace, continue to pray for God’s direction. He has a purpose and plan for you!

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)

“For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.” Jeremiah 29:11 (AMPC)

My new reading glasses!

It Starts at Home

A good friend of mine said, “Blog!” So, here we go. I’m not sure how we got from March to June without an update. It’s been a whirling merry-go-round of home schooling, coffee, playing, clapping, Zoom chats, reading together, time outs, baking bread, laughter, singing, living room dance parties, news briefings, tears, projects, daily walks, scooters, scavenger hunts, den building, shopping wearing masks, watching SGN, not sleeping, going back to sleep and wearing stretchy comfy clothes around the clock. We’ve had virtual birthdays and virtual date nights. Sadly, we’ve had one virtual memorial. We are tired.

As things slowly open up again, we look for normality. This week our bubble world changes. Our oldest child returns to school on Thursdays and Fridays. It will be a good change for her and everyone. I’m pleased we still have three days of home schooling together. We will miss her. The virus is still a threat, but I have faith that the school’s staff are doing all they can to minimise infection.

We made our own pizzas.

Though physically we have kept our distance, in some ways we are closer to people than ever. How could we not let others into our hearts with so much sickness and loss around us? And there is another virus which has plagued our society for too many years. We have watched the brutality and racism play out before us in the news. Often I feel helpless. What can I do? How can I show love and respect for my fellow humans in pain and fear and righteous anger? So I pray. I examine myself and ask God to search my heart, bring to light my own prejudices and bias. I try to educate myself.

In outrage, I share stories. I raise awareness amongst my friends and family. I realise my greatest power for change starts right here in my home. I teach my children to love and include people. I teach them that we are all made in God’s image. We are all worthy of love, respect, equal rights and freedom. No one should have to live in fear for their lives for the colour of their skin. I ask for wisdom. I vote and stand up for justice as much as possible. I draw near to God and as His word says, He draws near to me. (James 4:8)

If you are feeling overwhelmed or powerless in these difficult and uncertain times, draw near to the Source. Draw near to the light that is Jesus.

Happy Pancake Day

Let the pancake frying begin!

I feel really full of pancakes right now. As Ivy and Albert drift off to sleep, my heart feels full as well. This is truly a special time. As we begin the Lent season, I try to focus on what these six weeks are all about. Sacrifice. Preparation. Contemplation. And teaching my children about Jesus. I have decided to give up desserts this year. It’s a broad category including cakes, sweets, and my tired mummy stash of dark chocolate for daily emergencies! It will be a good practice in self control but a small gesture when compared to the ultimate sacrifice Christ made for us. I came across this verse the other day as I was reading. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) It made me think about the spiritual discipline that I need. Am I harbouring negative thoughts? Or regrets that may be holding me back? What’s in my heart that I need to give up? I hope to dive into these issues and more with the Lord over the next 40 days. Will you join me? Are you observing Lent this year? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. And excuse me as I go eat my last bit of chocolate for the next six weeks!

Mommy Guilt

So far, big chunks of my parenting time involves sitting in the dark trying to get my little lamb to sleep. Even as I write this post, she is behind me snoring. (Yet I cannot turn my brain off.) Before Ivy, I said that I would never let our little one sleep in our bed. Our room was going to be our sacred love space. Ha! Then you bring home this tiny, red, adorable, eating, pooping creature and your heart swells. You want this little person with you always. And you want her to thrive. It’s amazing to be needed this much. It’s scary. Did I mention that it is scary? I’m responsible for her! That is where the guilt comes in, wild sleepless mommy guilt. Am I doing this right? Will I scar her for life? Will she still be sleeping with us when she is 10? Please God, protect her from my mistakes. Because I will make a lot of them and for that reason I feel bad.

I feel the pang of guilt for ridiculous things sometimes. Things like taking a shower or a few minutes to myself just don’t feel the same. I’m always thinking of my daughter. I feel guilty for running off to take my Zumba class. I know it’s irrational. I know I need to recharge my batteries. I know Ivy needs bonding time with her dad. It just feels strange to leave her. I feel guilty because I have changed. I used to be so on top of everything. Now I am forgetful. I still think I can do it all, but I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t go out or volunteer or do some of the things you used to do. I don’t always say no when I should. I hate letting people down, another source of guilt. Add in lack of sleep and I easily spread myself too thin. Then I get grumpy. Then I feel bad… I’m sure you see where this is going. Is there no end to mommy guilt?

Even before my daughter was born I struggled with guilt. I would feel bad about mistakes or saying the wrong thing for days. If I unintentionally hurt someone forget about it! I was and still can be wrecked over it. In balance, these feelings aren’t all bad.  Healthy guilt keeps my conscience in check. Guilt on overload keeps me bogged down. I pray. I ask God to help me know the difference between conviction and condemnation. Old mishaps come back to haunt and I feel the pangs of guilt yet again. This is a yoke of bondage that I was not meant to carry. “For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:16 (ESV) I love grace. It is God’s unmerited favor. Grace lifts my burden of guilt. I know that I am forgiven. Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice of love has set me free. In the end, I only want the absolute best for my baby girl. All I can do is offer up my efforts and ask God to bless them.

Do you suffer from “the guilt”? Can any mamas out there relate? Please click on the comment button above and share. Thank you.

Release

Every once in a while a nothingness will take over me; a void.

I drown in the oceans of time passed by. The weight of life under-lived presses down on me. I struggle to breathe. I feel the heat of choices made. Regret. Reconsider. Time is a funny thing. Relived in vivid color in the mind. You can’t go back to what no longer exists. It’s a knot in the stomach. Words better left unsaid. Why did I do that? Why did I go?  If I dive into these moments it will cripple me. I peek over the edge, then lean back again.

I should have is the most terrifying phrase invented.

It echoes around my brain like a taunt, a rant.  A wish for moments I let pass. One small step can change a life course; send you orbiting in an unknown direction.  I close my eyes and open them again. I get out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I turn on the light. I feel a little better. The darkness makes it all cave in on me. I sit on the edge of the tub. I turn on the fan to cool my face. Cleansing tears roll down; a release.

Maybe I did all I could, what I thought best.

I wrap these words around me. I close my eyes to pray. I recount my heartache to the One who knows me. I relive the hurt to lay it at His feet. I ask for grace for things long forgiven. He reminds to receive. The love floods in, His precious love for me. I accept the gift of today. The promise of more moments to cherish, more chances to give. I rise to rest and claim my peace.